Virus
*TRIGGER WARNING*
When I was a little girl, I thought the worst feeling in the world was getting the flu or any kind of common cold virus. Losing my taste and smell felt like my most prized processions were being stripped away from me. I would sit in my bed sniffling with a bowl of soup praying that one day I could taste the food on the tip of my tongue. Slight inconveniences such as being sick would really make me appreciate something so small as being able to taste. When you temporarily lose a sense that you use regularly you cannot help but to ache for those senses to come back. After a few days my taste or smell would come back, and I was a happy little third grader again. Everything would go back to normal, and I would forget about the illness. It’s funny how this little flu virus can just creep into your body without any warning, one day you’re fine and the next you’re completely bed ridden. After it wreaks havoc on your body, you heal and move on. I was only 19 years old when I was first raped. I use the word rape because I feel as though a lot of women use the word “sexually assaulted” to lesson or dim their experience because the word rape creates discomfort. The word rape silences people whereas the words sexually assaulted will make someone say, “oh my gosh that’s terrible”. I don’t want to dim my experience or make anyone feel more comfortable. I did not get a choice in comfort that night. Sometimes I compare this situation to the viruses I would get as a child. Accept loss of taste turns into loss of innocence, loss of smell transfers to a loss of self-identity and well the body pain morphs itself miserable anxiety. These are just some of the few aftermaths I faced when I was raped, and I hope I can provide clarity and relate to other women experiencing the same trauma responses. You are not alone; your emotions are valid.
1. Loss of innocence. When someone takes advantage of your body so badly you develop a new perspective on the world, losing any sense of childish oblivion. Relationships are built around distrust and walls are built so high they make the Eiffel Tower look short. I want to believe someone is being nice to me when they do a kind gesture but all I can see is the devil sitting on their shoulder mocking me. I began to unintentionally judge the intentions of any man I was with. With loss of innocence comes purity as well. You will feel disgusting. It’s almost sadistic how the only way for a girl to properly accuse her perpetrator is to keep their stench on her skin by not showering. When I finally finished my examinations, I sat on the shower floor for three hours. I exfoliated and lathered my skin until it felt like I had been rubbed raw. For days after I would sit by the toilet dry heaving just doing anything to get this poison out of my body. Your energy changes and it feels like if you disclose your trauma to any man, he will think of you differently or see you as “damaged goods”. Before I had a doe like sexual appeal, I was clean, pure and after I was just a damsel in distress. This new perception will take a toll on your self-confidence. Unfortunately, how we hold ourselves is a huge indicator of how others will treat us. When men notice a girl lacks self-confidence, she becomes easy to take advantage of again. The cycles repeat themselves. However, this lack of confidence can be fixed. When you gain your value and confidence back after rape, you are an even greater force to be reckoned with.
2. Loss of self-identity. As much as you clutch onto your old self, you are not the same. That girl is gone. You will go into a deep spiral of developing different personalities and behaviors to cope with everything that happened. Before everything happened, I was a very straight edge kid. I didn’t party, go out or drink excessively. I had a perfect GPA with all these ambitions to be the best person I could be. That all took a turn after what he did to me. I became an extreme of everything I did not want to be. I was unhinged, vicious, and uncontrollable; a violent storm wishing to destroy everything in its path. A new hypersexual personality developed in me to feel “control” over my body and powerful. I was not powerful or “sexually liberated”, I was simply letting men disrespect me and abuse my body in hopes that I would feel something. Letting men disrespect you in this way can become a vicious and difficult cycle to overcome if boundaries are not learned and set. A lot of women struggle with intimacy issues after rape such as hypersexuality or a loss of sex drive. I personally experienced a year of both issues. Hypersexuality is a way to feel like you can reclaim what had been taken away from you and numb yourself to sex in general. Consistent emotionless sex numbs us to what real intimacy feels like which can be the goal of someone who’s sex life was ruined. We just want to keep ruining it because the worst has already happened.
3. Anxiety. I mean crippling anxiety. For months after I would sit in my car with tears flooding out of my eyes, I would hyperventilate till I couldn’t breathe. Emotions would flow out of me until there was nothing left to give. Only then would my mind be quiet. For months after I struggled with insomnia. I would drink heavy to calm my brain down at night and hush my intrusive thoughts. Certain smells or hearing his name could send me into a downward spiral pushing me back further. The anxiety can come out in relationships as well just by being touched the wrong way. Triggers became a new part of my vocabulary. So MUCH triggered me. After a few years of healing there are less triggers around me. I have learned how to recognize them and associate them with different emotions; however, they are still a part of me and will most likely always be. Disclosing these triggers with your partner can be a very helpful thing in new relationships. Trust me, the right partner will respect these boundaries and be extra careful not to trigger these emotions.
Merriam Webster’s dictionary considers one definition of virus as “something that poisons the mind or soul”. Much like a virus this man entered my body with no permission, no warning and poisoned my mind. That poison seeped in me and presented several symptoms I would have to later deal with. Although there are similarities to the little flu virus I would get as a child and with my rape they are still very different. When the flu invaded my immune system as a child my body would do everything it could to fight it off and eventually my body would win. Then poof it was gone, and I never really thought about it again. I lost crucial senses, however when they came back to me it was like nothing ever happened. Rape is not the same thing. You are invaded, your body will fight, and eventually it will stop. However, the feeling does not go away. Everything about the situation lingers in your body. You might be physically healed but there are aspects of yourself that are forever changed. Your soul is damaged or “poisoned”. That is the thing about rape, you never fight off the virus it leaves in your body, you just learn how to contain it.
