Do Less

2018, can we believe it?? I haven't showered since LAST YEAR. I haven't left my bed since LAST YEAR. I ordered pizza LAST YEAR and it still hasn't gotten here!!! (Are we tired of this yet??)
(Also, sidenote, writing this on New Year's Day, but it probably won't be published till something like January 10th, which makes some of these "last year" jokes kinda grody, i.e., the shower one. Pls let the records show that I am a frequent bather!!!). 

On a serious note...resolutions. If 2017 taught me anything, it's that living a life of chaos and constant work isn't really a life at all. I wish I could say I came to this conclusion at a magical time, say New Years Eve, but really this revelation came about two months ago, when I was lying in my bed wide awake. I got in at 10. 11 rolled around, then midnight, then 1, then 2, now 3. 3:30 to be exact. This is a nightly occurrence for me, the insomnia, and not something a lot of people really know about. Thoughts of school, the people in my life and if they're doing okay, and just excelling in life altogether completely consumed me. I remember breathing out, "it's just too much." And it was! The pressure to stay busy, be social, have amazing grades, take care of any and everybody--it's all just a little too much. I mean, if we're being completely real here, we kinda idolize busy-ness, right? Laziness, bad. Busy-ness, respectable. But also busy-ness (too much of it) can lead to high anxiety, no sleep, no joy, snapping at people we're supposed to love and cherish. So my one and only resolution for this year, is to do a little less. It's taken a little bit of saying no to things I don't actually want, and saying yes to things I actually do want, and saying yes to things I don't want but definitely need. But we're getting there. If you don't know whether or not you're being a toxic-level of busy, I am here to help!! Feel free to compare/contrast your current state to how I was & how I'm learning to be.

Here's what almost ruined me:
-going 36 straight hours with no sleep, only laying in bed staring at the ceiling, paralyzed with anxiety
-worrying so much about the people in my life and their struggles because I didn't trust that God would care for them
-spending hours upon hours studying in the library to get the A, sacrificing anything and everything to get the A, because a B is never good enough. A's prove you care. A's get you on Chancellor's list. A's mean you're intelligent.
-trying to plan the future
-missing the past
-attempting to trust God and then immediately retracting that trust.
-making sure everyone knows that I'm a good Christian girl and I have it all together, all the time. 
-not paying attention to when/how often I was eating, sometimes going the entire day with nothing but black coffee in my stomach.
-going to all the date functions, all the bars, all the parties just to feel like I'm making up for time working with time partying. Jokes on me, "partying" when you're exhausted feels like work, too.

Here's what is saving me:
-surrendering.
-eating chocolate ice cream & watching reality tv. And not feeling bad about it.
-putting my phone down and sitting next to the fireplace with my mom. Asking her questions about her life now, her past, the guy she almost married, what Nana and Boppo were like as parents, what makes her happy, what makes her sad. Sharing a bottle of wine and laughing a little harder when it's finished. "Did you always want four kids?," I ask, halfway kidding, "was I an accident?" She finishes the drop of wine in her glass and says, "you were the most wonderful surprise." 
-not trying to fix things that are already broken, but also not leaving them broken; trusting God to work on them.
-waking up 30 minutes earlier than usual to make sure I get to eat fresh strawberries, croissants, and a heap of full-fat butter for breakfast.
-praying. Not necessarily writing or reading smart books by smart people (though those are awesome too), but just TALKING to Jesus. 
-ending my nights with a cup of tea. 
-going to Trader Joe's and buying yellow roses, because those were Nana's favorite and now they're my favorite, too.
-making hot chocolate the old fashioned way, with milk heated up on the stove. 
-come to think of it, replacing coffee with hot chocolate altogether. 
-walking instead of running. figuratively and literally.
-baking cookies for the bus driver that takes me to my class 3 times a week. 
-eating a full meal, at a table, preferably with good company, the second I realize I'm hungry. I start to realize that I can't "procrastinate" eating. 
-letting "Jesus" be an acceptable solution to a problem.
-also: letting "I don't know" be an acceptable answer to a question. 
-taking my sleep aid medicine & knowing I'm not a weaker person for doing so. 
-remembering to be kind. In a world that is constantly pushing success, achievement, and money--what a wonderful thing it is to just be kind.

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