Memory Of You

You simply made me live in this hole of guilt but at the same time standing at the edge, not waiting for my time to free my wings and fly away leaving behind every pain you made feel, but to jump in deeper into this hole. 

Loving you was pain, so deep and strong I didn't mind it. I took this pain with opened arms and let it reach my veins making it impossible to be taken out. Loving you was never an issue for me, but you loving me it's always been the hard one, it made feel insane all the time, couldn't explain it myself.  But I couldn't complain! By the time you were hurting me with one single word, I was craving for one look you always kept me hanging on for it. The same look you gave me when you said you loved me, although we were in the middle of hell of a mess your eyes showed me the complete opposite. It showed me nothing but love, passion and pure feelings… It was the only hope in everything second with you to save me from the dark that took away my life, but this time you made me wait too long. 

Saying “I love you” was never underestimated for you, and it truly showed me how much you are willing to fight for me and dive into hell just to keep me by your side. You made full of life, made my heart beat in a different rhythm just to match yours, my smile change just to match the look in your eyes… I was simply embracing every small part of it so much I forget to save myself and remind her that not every love story has a happy ending. 

Suddenly you made feel lifeless, stumbling across every stop in our relationship. You perfectly showed me that this story “Our story” will never reach it`s happy ending! One second you were my knight in shining armor, and one second you were my selfish controller. I would be a liar if I didn't say I was sad, devastated, depressed, guilty, completely ruined and the list goes on and on. 

Yet I didn't fight, I found myself giving up and embracing it just like I did when you made feel that love was only made for us. I remained in my hole, taking every blame and guilt I could ever take. I blamed myself for every fault in our relation, even blamed myself for what people thought about us, I was so vain I even blamed myself for the idea your current girlfriend have of me when you told her about your previous relationships. 

You changed a lot of things and feelings inside me, but I don't regret it! I won't say the most cliché and naïve thing, “you made learn from my mistake, and be more careful in the future…” No! I don't regret it because you simply showed my ability to love someone, how much I could give this person from my inner soul. You made realize that this time I need to pick myself up, despite every wound you left in my soul and move on. Move on, not necessarily to another relationship, but move on and reach a point where I am completely satisfied with myself and free from every single memory of you. 

This time with you, it wasn't my happy ending, but next time it will definitely be my happy ending!