The First Page Of My Book I Will Never Write

The First Page Of My Book I Will Never Write

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm doing writing this and I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life anymore. A few months ago I got my heart broken by someone who did not deserve me at all, It took me a while to see that he was the one that never deserved me. Well, I finally see it. but now, I am the person who hurt me. 

A year ago I would have told you love is magical and the strongest word in any language, I would tell you love makes you see colors you've never seen before and makes you a wide eyed and love dazed.

Today I am telling you my thoughts have changed. Love is the worst word in any language it has the ability to make you sad in -5 seconds. It makes you see 100 shades of gray and makes you blind eyed. I don't mean to sound so negative, truly I am writing this with no emotions, I lost them I don't know how. 

I turned into the heartless person that hurt me. I hurt boys subconsciously, I don't intend to but I talk to multiple at a time (i know this sounds bad it is bad) and I know its wrong but I do it anyways, it's never on purpose I just don't think anymore. I don't think about anyones feelings because one person killed all mine. It's pathetic, I've been telling myself everyday how pathetic I am and I need to stop. 

After months of loneliness and crying I finally met someone and this situation is even more pathetic than what I just told you...

I have no intentions in loving him. He is great, he is everything I could ask for but i refuse to let him get close enough to hurt me and i refuse to even allow myself to like him aside his looks. I am wasting time with someone who I can never love and he knows this and he is okay with it because, we are in the same boat. We want someone to act like they love us but we don't want to be in love, so in return we both get this out of each other. We are playing house in its most careless version. I want to be in love but I feel nothing for anyone. The saddest part is I don't even know if I care, me and this boy are absolute fire we both act on impulse and we hold back nothing. I told him I love him, but to not get attached. 

I am not myself anymore, i might actually be the worst version of me.

Cover Image By Lacie Slezak/Unsplash.com

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