The Addicts Perspective
Freshman year of high school, believe it or not, I WAS the kid who abstained from drugs and alcohol. In fact, at some times I may have been the kid who shamed people who smoked weed. But little did I know what teenage life was going to be like...
At the time, I had a boyfriend, we were so young and in love. We promised each other that we'd never do any drugs or drink; especially behind one another's back. Over the summer, I had actually lost my virginity to that same boy, the one who I thought promised me the world. Not long after we both lost our virginity together, I found out he had been secretly smoking with his friends out behind my back. And as a depressed 15 year old girl, I made the impulsive decision to try and play a game of revenge with him. Now, I'll leave him to take responsibility for everything else; but our little revenge game, I started. I started small with one of my best friends to this day actually, by smoking just a cigarette. If anyone can remember their first cigarette, it was the grossest, most raunchy, and gut wrenching taste ever, but I felt better with each drag I took. My confidence began to rise each inhale of that toxic smoke, and since then I have yet to put out my cigarette. "Pretty girls don't light their own cigarettes," she said to me, lighting it for me, and I remembered the ultimate happiness I felt when she said that. It was so empowering, I also have yet to let a sad smoker light her own cigarette. Anyone who knows me can vouch for that. Soon that wasn't enough, don't get me wrong, I loved the buzz from the nicotine in me, but weeks went by and the buzz only happened every few cigs or so. My ignorant self hopped on the bandwagon and started smoking weed. I remember the first time, the taste in my mouth was disgusting and it hurt my throat so bad I thought I was going to puke. " GO GET ME WATER!!!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, totally disregarding the fact that my boyfriend is here too, encouraging all of this. And I got so stupid high I didn't know whether I was dreaming or not. It felt euphoric. I was so happy though, I hadn't cared in the moment that the guy I was with was cheating on me, trying to get me pregnant, and watching me tear my life away to shreds, meanwhile claiming he loves me. But that isn't really love, is it? I hadn't known.... I was so caught up in the euphoria.
So fast forward to my junior year of high school, I am no longer dating this guy, and I'm now a major "pot-head" the admin loved to call me. And this is where the term gate-way began for me. I learned the risks or doing drugs and drinking, very young, being that my parents are both alcoholics. I had opened a gate over the summer with a good friend of mine. Taking prescription pills to get high because we're broke!! We'd steal them from stores and take all nine from the tray at once and it made us feel numb. We were literal zombies. The feeling was again, amazing. But the next day I felt so sad I cried my eyes out. I couldn't connect the two, but my friend had explained it to me, I was just having a bad come-down from the drugs put into my body... Here's where it really began... About two months later I'm at school, roughly two weeks into the semester I'm sitting in class high off medication!! Smart, right!? Nope, I got caught and not just suspense this time, but expelled for having too many drug offenses. This threw me off. I'm pretty sure I fell off the grid for the next month or so.. I had cut off almost everybody unless they were a direct deposit to my drug use. It got so bad I had to stay away in hospitals for rehab. I had taken a test that showed positive for cocaine, benzos, opiates, THC and alcohol, nothing had been left unmarked on that drug test, but heroin. Soon after I was let out, I felt reborn. As if everything was brand new. My friend even convinced me to enroll again, but at her school instead of the old one because it was such a terrible environment for me to be in. I began school trying to look away from my old ways, but the new environment I was at made it ten times harder for me to avoid my problem.
The drugs were easier for me to obtain, my tolerance had grown a lot, and I had known all the connects now. So a few people began fronting me Xanax, and at first I just wanted to make money. But being given 100 or so pills at once at $3 each was giving me way too much freedom as a previous addict. Like every time before, the drugs took over my person once again. I started popping bars like candy and before you knew it I was caught in the rush of TRAPPING!!! The money I made was a token to me of some kind of stability. Not that I was ever actually stable, but I thought I was, being alone with my drugs. Soon the legalities of my distribution caught up with me and I got stuck at 17 with 8 charges. I didn't know where to turn or what to do, so I stayed to myself, kept quiet, and began to use more often, and harder drugs, alone and I kept it all to myself. Until one night I was so distraught, coming down from so many other things already, I called my friend and told him I was upset. He said, "ok I'll call u an uber over here baby girl and I'll get us some goodies." I hung up the phone so fast to get ready... We ended up picking up multiple benzo prescriptions that night. I took kpins, Xanax, muscle relaxers, and smoked. But then he pulled out something that absolutely shocked me. It was a syringe. I had never actually seen one before, besides at the doctors office. He asked me if I wanted any, but I didn't know what it was? I felt like the biggest loser trying to ask what drug it was. So being the dumb ass I was when I was intoxicated, I tied that phone cord on my arm as tight as I could. He injected it into my wrist and counted down from five, on his fingers. I remember falling asleep for an extremely brief moment and waking up to him asking me how I feel. I had never felt so euphoric in my entire life. I said "oh my god, I can barely even see, what am am I on?!?" He whispers to me... "It's heroin baby girl" and my jaw dropped. I can't believe I had just shot up heroin, I vowed to myself that I'd never to that again...
To this day, I'll admit, I still struggle day to day with my drug use. I still have a drink when I get the chance. But I can promise all of you this much, if you can recognize that yourself, or someone around you has an issue with addiction, it being drug or alcohol abuse. Look into it. Solve the piece of the puzzle that you're looking for and get the help that's needed. I have come so so far from where I use to be. I'm so incredibly thankful for my sister, best friend, and others who have impacted my life in a positive way. I'm truly blessed to still walk amongst you all today. If anyone is struggling with addiction, get help.
Cover Image From Google