Depression is crippling. It is so much more than just being "negative" or "in a bad mood." Depression is the overwhelming cloud that fills your lungs and makes it hard to breathe. Depression is sleeping all day and then being alone and scared throughout the night. Depression had a hold of my entire being from 7th grade till senior year and it still manages to creep in. Depression was the root of my other mental health struggles, my actions and how I viewed myself and the world.
Although it is a daily battle that I've fought for years, depression has helped me learn so many new things, that if it weren't for it, I would have never known. It is not something I can control, nor something I can just make go away. Even if I had the opportunity to get rid of it, I would chose to keep it around.
The worst and best place to be was in my bedroom alone. I didn't have to fake a smile or exhaust myself to keep up a conversation. I could escape from the life outside of my bedroom door and drown myself in a book and/or music, that is until depression would knock. Depression had no concern of interrupting, it would grip me mid-lyric and wrap me into its sick embrace.
It has always been a constant reassurance that I or anything I do is never good enough. It has torn me down, broke me, and brought me to many points in my life I never thought I'd ever meet. Aside from all the hurt depression has brought to me, it has also taught me many things every person has to learn to deal with at some point in their life.Depression has come with many days that consisted of sleeping, overthinking, and a little voice telling me I'm never good enough. The pain is an on-going pain that never goes away.I remember just laying on my bed staring up at the ceiling and crying silently trying to will myself to die. Depression had it's hand around my throat and squeezed, threatening to end everything. It kept me awake through the night and forced me awake tired and broken from the night before.
Along with all the hurt, depression has made me face many obstacles that I have overcome. All of the sleepless nights caused by overthinking have made me come to the realization that things will get better, only if I allow it to. The little voice always telling me I wasn't and am not good enough taught me that not every person is going to agree with the choices you make and that is okay. The hurt and sadness that depression has made me feel showed me that in time all things heal, even if some take longer than others. Each thing depression has thrown at me, I've taken the time to figure it out and learn how to deal with it. It has made me physically, mentally, and emotionally unstable.
Before I understood what depression actually was, I never saw myself having to face it. I could never picture crying for hours, not wanting to get out of dark rooms, or being sad for no reason. It has caused me to build up a wall that will stay until I allow myself to break it down.
With all that depression sprung onto me, and affected my life, it is something I want to live with. Dealing with the hard the fight of it, it has managed to make me understand more, and overcome many challenges. It has expanded my outlook on how things work, and not everything will always be alright, but manageable. Having depression will forever be teaching me lessons, and help me mature to what I need to prepare for what life has to throw at me.
It did not kill me.
I pushed through and kept putting off the day that I had planned on ending my life further and further into the future until it became a "never."
I lived. i survived. i won.
I will never forget the feeling of my soul breaking and the pain that depression had over me. It reminds me of how far I have come and where I don't want to go back. When I feel it creep back in, it scares me. I have coping methods to help and to keep it at bay, but sometimes that's not enough. I always keep faith that it will pass, if I survived it then I can survive its minor interruptions now.
Even if depression isn't something beautiful, it has made a huge impact on my mind and it is the only thing that has came around, and is to stay. It is my worst enemy and my best friend. For everything it has taught me, I am forever grateful.
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