To The Person That Never Deserved Me

To The Person That Never Deserved Me

To the person that never deserved me, I loved him whole heartedly and did until a week ago. Until a week ago there was not a single thing I would not do for him. From just coming to lay with him because you asked or to being your anytime "late night call" I was all in, for him, and only him. Not because I wanted to be his conveniency item but, because I genuinely loved him and wanted him to be happy even though I had been struggling for the past year. The hard part about loving him was that even though he said it, actions spoke louder than words and it wasn't clear at the time but now it is very clear to see, he honesty never loved me. You don't cheat and lie countless of times to someone you "love." You don't leave someone you "love" whenever a new girl comes along that will put out for you and see that really hurt me and got to me. Why was I not good enough? Why did he want everyone but me? But only want me when he was done with them? Well I finally got all my answers. The problem wasn't me, it was him. I've always been plenty good enough even too good enough for him. You are something called selfish.

I wanted to know why he would just leave me, come back crying, and beg for me back and repeat the cycle over and over. The first reason is because I let him. The second reason is because he actually does love me, but he doesn't want to. Loving me was hard and filled him with emotions that he couldn't shake, I wasn't like every girl he had been with before and every girl he was with during me. I filled gaps in his heart that he didn't know were fillable. He did not know you could love someone to that extent. He did not know he could wake up every morning actually wishing someone was with him or want someone to spend every waking moment with. So he wanted to see if you could be with someone else and they would fill the gaps like I did, it did not work. There you were begging for me back again and again, and again. I let him lead me to believe that I was the problem and I wasn't giving him what he wanted. When in reality, I was giving him exactly everything he could've ever imagined wanting, but he threw it all away because he couldn't handle feeling this way in return. This is not about love, this is about goodbye. Not for him, for me.

A message to you. I hope you continue to look for me in everyone and every single time you end up alone and honestly you will. The problem isn't that you can't find any girl to care about you like I did but, you can't find anyone that you care enough about like you did me. I hope you enjoyed getting with all of my "friends" and believe me the more people you got with the more amusing it got that you really had to go that low to get with some of the closest people to me. Sure that says a lot about my friends, but it says more about you. You don't care about my feelings, you care about yours. I cared about yours to and that's what kept you going. Knowing that no matter how bad you screwed up I would always be right there to hold you while you cry and give into your sick insecure games. The games are over but this time nobody wins because when two people in love don't end up together, nobody ever wins. So to the person that never deserved me, I hope you can't sleep at night sometimes because all you can think about is how your body laid with mine so many hours of the day. I hope your stomach drops when my name gets brought up, I hope you search in all directions when you think you hear my voice and are disappointed that it's not me, I hope you miss me running my hands through your hair, I hope you miss my laugh, I hope you get midnight texts and pray to god it's me before you even look at your phone, I hope it kills you to see me with someone else, all these things, just as I did for a whole year.

I noticed when girls vent to me they tend to start out sad and depressed. When we revisit they come to find that they are better and they end up talking to themselves to empower themselves I just wanted to let you all know that you if you are not happy in your relationship, do what is best for you. 

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