Being a stay at home mom has its perks, I get to spend time with my son and also I don't have to follow anyone else's "rules". Also, being stay at home mom is a job with no break, no salary, no friends.Sometimes, the only person I talk to the whole day, is an adorable 2 and a half year old little boy.I have had many losses in my family these past 4 years. Tremendous losses. Losses that I haven't even began to process in my brain.Being a stay at home mom is a tiring lonely job at times, add grief to that equation and things get crazy.
I started watching YouTube tutorials because my son wouldn't sleep as a baby, like many other babies. But he still doesn't sleep at times, so I found myself a companion on those extremely long nights of non sleep.I didn't even know what makeup tutorials were!I found myself extremely relaxed watching the beauty of makeup unfold, step by step, right before my eyes. I wondered if I could ever do that, and then I thought, why the heck not?I would practice a look on myself, sitting on the floor, mid "Patty Cakes" and diaper changes I still do. Snacks and technology help a lot, doing makeup is way more than taking a selfie and tagging a makeup company in hopes of a shoutout and some followers. Makeup became therapy. A scape from my problems. A free world where I can be whatever I want to be.
My passion became so big that I couldn't wait to wake up in the morning, or in some cases, just get up from a rocking chair change my clothes and get to practicing.YouTube makeup gurus became my best friends, when my "real" friends were too busy to be there for me.These people make me laugh, make me think, make me feel pretty and they make me see a future in something that I thought was unachievable.
So many different shades, so many different textures, so many different concepts. Little ole me, following a passion I didn't even know I had.Filming videos became the next step. I was afraid at first, the Internet is very judgmental.My channel is very small and I have people from all over the world, Germany, Mexico, UK, they all come together and take a break from their lives to watch me, to watch a girl talk about her passion. If that isn't heart warming, I don't know what is.
The love that strangers have for me, in every comment, every like, every compliment or opinion, everything matters to me. They have no idea that I'm so lonely sometimes, they are the only friends I have. And I don't even know them.I love my son and I love my life, but my life is hard. Battling demons, and grieving alone is hard.
My son makes me smile and I hope he never remembers the times that I cried "for no reason" because he asked "but where is your mom mommy?" I don't lie to him, we send kisses to heaven and if I am sad I tell him that it's ok to be sad sometimes. I do my absolute best and 99% of the time, never feels as if I'm doing it right.
But what's the alternative?
I am alive, I have two arms, two legs, a beating heart, a beautiful son, an amazing husband and I have a lot of people who love me, even though they aren't in my life everyday. I allow myself to grieve as I go, and that means, good days and bad days. I'm living as best as I can.Some days, what gets me out of bed is a new makeup look I want to try out. Most days is my beautiful son, dragging me along with his beautiful smile, telling me that there's a life out there and I need to live it."
Here are some of my favorite makeup brands