Being My Own Worst Enemy

Being My Own Worst Enemy

When I was younger I was bullied. It wasn’t just “oh, she’s ugly” or calling me fat. My best friend backstabbed me and then fed me to the sharks. Not literal sharks of course, just middle school demons. It was rough, I got called a "slut" because most of my friends were guys who didn’t believe in taking part in that drama, also because I usually had a boyfriend. Not short flings, but long relationships. I’m not sure why I did it, I was probably lonely.

 Now I’m going to be a Junior in high school and the mean kids followed. My freshmen year I got trash thrown at me during lunch. Not just an empty bag of chips, but disgusting half eaten food. Back in middle school the administrators never stopped the bullying because it was all hearsay. I did have a couple hate accounts made about me, and the police were involved, but that never went anywhere. Now in high school I felt like I had more control because there were tons of kids to back up what happened. My freshmen year I had the best administrator, who actually did something about the trash being thrown! Sophomore year nothing really happened besides stupid rumors and drama on social media. 

Anyways, this isn’t a pity party I’m throwing right now. I know that most of the people who harassed me are going to eventually read this and I just want to let you all know I’m not attempting to call you out or make a scene, I want to share how this haunted me for so many years.

 I would be kept up at night by my thoughts, tossing and turning, obsessing about the one pretty girl who was fake towards me. What had I done to deserve that? Did I say something bad about her to someone else? I honestly might have. Throughout my freshmen and sophomore year I just couldn’t shake the feeling of how my life would be so different if I had stayed with those “popular girls”. Would I be one too? Or just a pathetic girl who wanted to "fit in"? These questions still irritate me some nights.

In October of my freshmen year I was diagnosed with a panic disorder, depression and agoraphobia. In case you don’t know what that last one is, it is the fear of the unknown. It usually has a deep rooted underlying cause, and mine was how deeply hurt I was because I had no warning that I was going to be backstabbed, I didn’t see it coming. It was hard for me to let people in my first year in high school. I had a friend in middle school who was always so harshly honest to the point where it was just plain mean. I wanted whole new friends.

I did find my friend group, which is mostly guys. But that’s okay, because they’re the best friends I could ever ask for. Over time I have let go of the people who wronged me, but I’m pretty sure they are the type of people who peek in high school. I’m not completely over it, I see them a lot more than I want to, considering I live right next door. I’m not trying to call you out, just attempting to write out my feelings and not be ashamed anymore.

I love who I am, and that I have finally let go of my inner demons. I plan to go to medical school in the future to fulfill my dream of being an Ophthalmologist. I am surrounded by so much positivity! I Amazing have people in my life that I love, and appreciate so much. Letting go of negative energy, and completely being focused on the good instead of the bad is extremely important. 

Twitter : kaoshields7

Instagram : kt_oshields