I didn't realize how unhappy I was until I got out of my relationship. I can't say I was always unhappy. Things started off great, I really felt like I connected amazingly with him and things were almost perfect, maybe a little too perfect. I was always smiling, everyone saw my happiness, but it was long until everyone could see how much I changed, the smiling became lots of crying. I was asking for too much, I was posting too much, sometimes I was even doing too much. I changed myself for him, little things to make him want me more. Before ever getting into that relationship I said I wouldn’t change for anybody but that didn’t last long. These little changes weren't me at all. He got mad if I didn't tell him something.
I thought telling him my deepest darkest secrets would make him love me more, I thought forgiving him for all the names he called me would make him want to stay with me. He would tell me he loved me to just bring me down moments later, at some point I really believed that was love. I would blame myself for his dishonesty, his un-loyalty, and for his anger. I would take it all out on myself and think I was doing everything wrong. The only thing wrong I was doing was blaming myself and not him.
In reality, I lost my self-worth through all of it. I lost myself. My friends would tell me how different I was and I didn't believe it. I would shrug my shoulders. My mom was worried, I was losing weight too quickly, but I would find anything else to blame it on except my "perfect" boyfriend. I was the only one that could help my situation. No matter how many times I would cry to my friends or no matter how many times we'd break up to make up seconds later, I was the only one that could help myself. We both knew what we had to do. But we didn't want to do it, we wanted to believe our relationship was really forever. We wanted to try and make things better. Little did we realize how toxic we truly were. How unhealthy we were for each other.
I would pray for the good days because they were so rare, and when they came I would appreciate them so much. I would pray every night that he wouldn't get mad at me the next day. The constant crying never ended and he would only react with anger, which is of course, the last thing a sad girlfriend wants. I held onto all the good, I believe that’s how I stayed so long, I would mention all the good things before I ever tried to break up with him. I would point them out to him when I was fighting for him to stay. I made myself feel so low fighting for a guy that brought out the worst in me. I showed him and even showed myself sides that I have never seen. I was surprised by all the intense emotions I had in me. I let him treat me however he wanted and that was my very first mistake.
Everybody was surprised, "but you guys looked perfect on Instagram", yeah it's crazy how much social media hides. I was so torn between my mind and my heart.
I didn't give up until my heart and my mind felt the same exact way. It all just hit me, the tears stopped, my feelings stopped. I didn't care anymore and that's when I knew I was absolutely ready to let go. I thought this was going to be impossible, leaving my best friend? I could never do that. That’s when I realized he wasn’t my best friend. A best friend doesn’t go behind your back, doesn’t lie to your face or play with your emotions, especially after telling you they love you.
Of course it wasn't easy, no break up ever is. We talked when we shouldn't have and interfered where there was no need to. The break up got messy, he showed me his true colors, the ones I was blinded to see while we were together and right then is when I realized I made the right decision. The best thing I have done for myself was leaving my toxic boyfriend and closing all doors that he thought he could open. I have felt happiness in ways that I forgot was possible. It hurts me to think that there was ever a point that I wasn't truly happy. Everything really happens for a reason, after going through all those downs for the past year I know what I deserve, I know my worth, and I finally got back my true happiness.