A Letter To My First Love.
I’ve always been a strikingly realistic person. Every relationship I have had up until now has been a series of the same stories. The guy comes along, does anything he can to win the girl, and as soon as he has her he doesn’t feel the need to keep trying. Those relationships only made me more realistic as time went on.
My junior year was the perfect example of how my realism made me an extremely negative person. I didn’t believe love was real, especially at the age of seventeen. I thought that indulging in sexual activities was merely a physical act that meant nothing. My life was full of black and whites. I still spent my time with quality people; there’s no doubt about it. It was how I treated myself that created such negative energy in my life. I did not find myself to be particularly worthy of anything special not only in those moments, but in my future as well.
I have always heard that people come into your life for a very important reason, but just like with all else; I never thought much of it. I was too realistic; I never managed to look beyond the horizons to the things that COULD BE. I strictly saw things for what they were. It wasn’t until about nine months ago that I learned how true that statement can be. I don’t think people can change you, that is only in your power. But I think people can compliment you perfectly, like the missing puzzle piece you thought you never had, and can help you grow in inexplainable ways.
Life changed for me last November. It’s not a perfect fairytale, it didn’t start with an unknown boy making his way into my life. Rather than a start, it was more of a continuation. The boy I had a crush on in elementary school somehow found his way back to me on a very late night in November. We texted for hours. But it wasn’t normal texting. He listened to my perspectives on the deep and important things in life. He shared his own perspectives with me. He was not only one of the first guys, but one of the first friends I have ever had that did not want to just know about me, he wanted to know about the things that shaped me. My background. My history. My desires in this life. It felt like when I talked to him, he was truly listening.
Since then, it has been a whirlwind of some of the most beautiful and painful emotions I have ever experienced. I have learned what it is like to love and be loved back, I have felt how wonderful it is to be able to trust someone with your entire soul, and I have felt the sharp stings of heartbreak, and what it is like to miss someone who is currently living 170 miles away from you. But along with the emotions have been memories. Memories that I will never forget. Even the silly ones, like the way he looked at me and admired me and listened to me. The way that we laughed together late at night or held hands together walking through the streets of our nation’s capital.
Most importantly, though, I will never forget the way that he has helped me grow into the woman I have always aspired to be. A woman that sees making love as a beautiful, lovely, passionate art. A woman that does not give herself to anyone but a man that gives her the love and the positive attention that she truly deserves. A woman that is proud to be herself. Everyone should feel this way. To every lovely woman out there: never settle for less.
There is a quote that says, “If a writer falls in love with you, you can never die.” I don’t consider myself to be an incredible writer, but I will always write my experiences. I will always write about him. I will write about the lovely, stupid, hilarious memories that we have shared with one another, I will write about the complexity of emotions love brings me, and I will write about the way you changed my life. Thank you, Levi, for being the most important man I have ever known. I will never forget you!
Lainey Temple. ♡
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