Your mom is the one you get your nails and hair done with. She's the one you take cute selfies with on snapchat. The one who yells at you for your room not being clean. The one who gets on your nerves because every five mins she's annoying you about something else. But she is also the one you love and care about so much. She's your bestfriend and if anything happens to her, you probably wouldn't know what to do. I was too young to know what to do. I heard the words, "Your mom just died, she's in a better place, she loves you so very much, she's was so sick.....", those words broke my heart. Questions going through my brain. How could this happen? Why did this happen? Why me, I don't deserve this?
In June of 2002, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. My mother was also seven months pregnant with my little brother. During those seven months she didn't know she had cancer. Her boobs felt hard, but she thought it was because of her pregnancy. She went in for testing and they told her that she had stage 4 breast cancer. A month later my baby brother was born. He was the smallest little thing, he was born a month early because my mom had chemo and radiation. During chemo and radiation the cancer cells were killed, but her good cells were killed too.
In 2003, months had past and it seemed like everything was fine. The cancer was gone, it was a miracle. In 2004, I was in Disney with my dad and brother, when my father got the call that things weren't looking to good with my mom. We traveled back home that day and arrived early in the morning the next day. All of sudden the cancer came back and it came back stronger. The cancer had spread to her brain. I was five when my mother died, she was only forty-one when she passed away. I had to go to her funeral and her burial. It was so hard for me, I was too young. Seeing my mom in the casket, with her eyes closed, not saying a word to me, was painful. But what was even harder, was seeing her go six feet under. Not understanding that was the last time I was gonna see her face. I never even got to say goodbye.
For so long I was so angry and hurt. I blamed my mother, God, my father, even my brother, and anyone else I thought had something to do with her death. I thought my mom didn't love me and she died on purpose. She left me because she couldn't deal with how bad of a child I was. I thought God didn't love me and took my mom to punish me, for all the bad things I did. I thought my dad didn't love my mom and just let her die. I felt like there was more he could've done, but he didn't. And it was all my brothers fault, if my mom wasn't pregnant with him then she would've known something was wrong. She could've gotten treatment earlier, and lived. I even blamed my step mom, I thought for so long that she knew my mom was gonna die and she didn't say anything about it so that she could be with my father. I blamed anyone and everyone, I didn't know what else to do. I had so much resentment towards my father. He let her die, he didn't do anything to help her. I even told my father sometimes I wish he was dead and not my mother.
I was going through so much at the time. So many things going through my head, thinking she was going to wake up eventually and then realizing she wasn't. Times were hard for me and I went downhill. I had to see the counselor every week. She was always asking me how I felt and if I was doing okay in class. She even put me on a program called, "Big Sister, Little Sister". I got a big sister, that I didn't even know, but I was able to talk to and express my feelings to. It was hard, but I got through it.
I know now that it wasn't anyone's fault for my mother's death. God just needed another angel with him and my mom was the perfect one.
As I grow older it's kind of hard not having my mother in my life. She wasn't there to send me off to my first day of kindergarten and she won't be there when I graduate highschool or when I have kids and get married. But I know she's looking down at me and smiling. And I know she'll be so proud of the woman I'm becoming.
My mother is such a hero. She fought cancer for so long, and even though she died, she didn't lose. She gained her wings and now she can fly like the angel she is. I love you mom forever and always. RIP Pamela Smith Garrett.October 15, 1962- June 21, 2004