Sophomore year, I quickly took on one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. I was diagnosed with panic disorder, as well as major depressive disorder, also known as depression. I struggled every day with self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and frequent, uncontrollable panic attacks. I remember feeling guilty; I had supportive friends, an amazing family, and an amazing life and for some reason, I couldn’t seem to pull myself out of the dark place I was in. It even got to the point where I was ready to end it all, but I was thankfully hospitalized that night by my parents. I felt alone and that I was even more of a burden than usual.
I arrived at UNC Hospital around midnight, and was placed in a psych ward with a few other kids. A doctor came in to draw blood and sat down next to me to talk to me for a few minutes. He asked me why I was here, and I shamefully explained. Before I could even finish my story he interrupted, and said “oh honey, don’t you know how much God loves you? He wants you to be here, you have a purpose.” I cried in that doctors arms for a half hour. After some testing and new medication to take, I was released the following night. I know it sounds cheesy, but I felt like a weight that I had been struggling with for months had finally been lifted off my shoulders. This isn’t to say that I didn’t still struggle with these issues for months after the hospitalization, or that I don’t occasionally struggle with them today. But I want everyone to know, it gets better. More than two years later, I was accepted into one of my top choice colleges. I have unbelievably supportive friends, an amazing boyfriend, and a perfect family.
I love my life, and I even got a tattoo to remember how precious life is. I promise you, there is so much more to life than what you are dealing with now. I know that sometimes you feel alone, but there are so many people that care about you, and if you can’t think of anyone, just know that I do. Life is an amazing gift, and I promise you’re going to want to stick around to see what’s in store for you. If you ever need help with any mental illness, know that there are so many people out there that want to help you, and that can. You are beautiful inside and out, and you are loved. Just remember, it gets better.
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