The most important thing I can say here is no.
Your eating disorder is lying to you. You are sick enough, you are sick enough, you are sick enough. It doesn’t matter what you weigh or whether you’ve been hospitalized or the rate of your recovery process or any of the rest of it.
I know the meaning of understanding the phrase “not sick enough” almost as well as I know when people say they’re fine, they’re not. I understand it so much that I’m doubting myself in my struggles at this moment, thinking of others I’ve met and stories I’ve heard. I know how the empowering can also be triggering and the memories are wistful and illustrate themselves as goddesses. But they’re not. Never have been, and never will be.
Give me any explanation for how you aren’t sick and I can give you tens of reasons why you are. But don’t get caught up in this sickness, this comparison. Don’t think that being “sick enough” means you cannot also become “well enough”, or even well. No matter how sick you are, recovery is possible, for you.
I used to think being recovered was some kind of historical event in the far depths of the future that you’d find in my textbook, just another portion of my life checked off a checklist. I wondered if “recovery is possible” really made me happy, like if recovery was what I really wanted.
But it is.
It’s feeling good physically and liking that. It’s loving your body again, for real this time, and loving that. It’s learning how good Pillsbury sugar cookies taste when they’re part of a Halloween party rather than a binge. It’s going to a Mexican restaurant without counting the chips you’re eating or calculating how many you’re allowed to reach that goal weight-- that unattainable, unhappy, inadequate goal weight, that never really feels like a goal if you achieve it anyways. It’s allowing yourself to enjoy YoPo on Franklin Street and eat a snack when you're hungry. It's seeing a food and not a number. It's getting Cocoa Puffs rather than Cheerios because that's what you like. It's not worrying about the trivial things.
If nothing else, remember this: a healthy person doesn’t wish to be sicker. And you, my friend, can get well.
Cover Image From Google