Suffering In Silence

Suffering In Silence

 My name is Jacey White. I'm 16 and I attend high school in Cary, North Carolina. I'm from Chesapeake, VA but I just recently moved in with my father in May and my sister came along as well. My best friend Cassidy I had known since 8th grade & the boy I had adored for the longest were waiting for me to come home to VA when my mom had kicked me out when I was 13. While I was gone, we had both made new best friends. Cassidy had a best friend named Kathy. I had never met Kathy at the time. Cassidy and I remained best friends even though we had other best friends, which is normal of course. I came home on July 11th, 2014. My freshman year was starting in September and I had hoped to make new friends, which eventually I did. I was entering my 3rd class on A hall and I sit down in my seat and there's a girl in front of me. She recognized who I was immediately. "Hey! I'm Cassidy's friend." I was shocked I had met her this way. It was Kathy. Since we had met in that class we talked about everything together, spent nights together & popped pills together. She was my best friend also, I loved her to death. She always had that motherly instinct to care for people in such a way and try to make people happy. Since she knew almost everything about me, she of course knew about the boy I loved. Him and I had broken up after I got home and I was heartbroken.

   My heart was hurting very badly. Everyday we talked about things like this. She knew how sad I was over that boy not wanting to be with me anymore. There was homecoming at the high school I attended, I didn't go but Cassidy and Kathy did. They saw the boy and they were talking to each other at the homecoming game. A few days after Kathy had told me that she seen him, I didn't think anything of it because she was my best friend and I knew that she would not have disrespected me in any way- at least I thought. A few weeks had passed and I had come to find out that they were boyfriend and girlfriend. I felt so alone, so broken, I was devastated. I didn't wanna lose Kathy as my best friend but that's what had to happen because she betrayed me. My second semester of my freshman year I dropped out of high school due to my depression. I was 14. At some point in time this year I had messaged Kathy telling her I missed her and we had a very small conversation. It was barely even anything, but even nothing is something. I just had this thought in my mind I thought of quite often which was was saying "she didn't mean to hurt you". Which I know was true but I was still very hurt by it. 2 years passed and I moved, now I'm back in high school in Cary, North Carolina with my dad. The month of August had come close and unfortunately yet too soon.. I woke up in the morning in my bed and I got a snapchat from Cassidy, both me and Kathy's best friend. The text message had stated that Kathy had committed suicide. I couldn't believe it, I was in shock and I just wished it could have been a dream. I broke down and I cried and cried, I screamed, I could not believe she did this to herself. She's really gone. I think of her every single day and how I wish we could've ended different. I hated her for what she did to me, not for who she was, and God knew that. I held a grudge against her for a long time. I asked for her forgiveness when I was talking to God one night, and I forgave myself for the way I reacted to her with the whole situation. I wish there was a way somebody could have saved her from herself. I know the feeling of pain all too well, but I'm strong. I still have the notes me and Kathy had written in class when we were besties. The memories kill when I think of them and I can't help but cry when I hear the songs we used to listen to. Reminder; When you take your life, you're taking everyone who loved you down with you. You don't have to feel pain. Suffering is optional. I know of so many people including myself who have suffered in silence, when that is not the answer and you know you're smart enough to know it. I wouldn't wish depression upon my worst enemy.

   I can't explain the feeling I have when I think of how Kathy was suffering. Damn. To all of you, please get help if you are depressed. Do things that make you feel somewhat better like playing with your dog or singing in the shower. Talk to God.. It really works. Consider change. I know you're tired of feeling this way. I'm here for you, I understand the pain you are feeling. Things may not be easy now, but they WILL get better and I know this because it happened to me.. and this will happen to you, too. I love you and I care about you, to whoever you are out there in need of somebody.

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