You always feel scared, you worry, and the only you thing you could think about is what makes you feel this way. What causes you to breakdown and cry. You can't stop the tears racing down your cheeks, sitting against the wall of your bathroom floor looking at the window as the sun glares at the other side of the door that faces you and the outside is blocked by the other face of the door. Your mind races with constant thoughts of what scares you the most. You sit there thinking and wondering why do I feel this way?, why is it me? and why am I always scared when I don't want to be?. I always thought, overthought things and it always never made sense to me and you feel your body constantly shaken by fear and the possibility of whats going to happen. You feel so weak and down you could forget what happened, and that person but you can never forget how they made you feel. The feeling of just being overpowered and feeling taken advantage of really sucks.
I remember having panic attacks, I wouldn't tell my parents or not even my closest friends. I remember my worst panic attack was at my homecoming dance. I'm really not a big fan of dances yet my friends insisted I go and enjoy a good night. Most of that day was getting ready, wearing the most nicest dresses and overall feeling beautiful like every girl is. Feeling beautiful and spending a great night with friends. I remember feeling for once I was happy for once and once we finished dinner, grabbed ice cream and headed to the dance to dance the night away. I remember my friends scattered off to join other people's conversations and I felt weird during the night like I felt like I shouldn't be here and that this wasn't something I should be part of something I shouldn't have came to.
I sat against the gym walls of the dance, loud music kept the crowd distracted as it was dark and lights flashing. I curled myself hugged my knees and pressed my head against the wall my hair covering my face as tears began rolling down my eyes, my heart began racing and I began shivering and feeling scared. I broke down so much that night, I felt like this wasn't right and that I felt so terrified being around the big crowds and not only was it me being claustrophobic but overall the environment felt so wrong to be in. I left the gym with a supervised adult and drank multiple cups of water yet it didn't calm me down. My friends did surround me with constant support but went back to dance and have fun because I insisted this was their night not me preventing them from having fun and I remember turning away once they left. I broke down once again and I couldn't stop tears escaping my eyes and the feeling of being so upset, scared, and I remember calling my best friend who lives far away from me and all I did was cry into the phone and I couldn't stop but just cry for two hours with my ear against the phone.
I never knew panic attacks could hit you so much, make it so hard to calm down and overall be something to be scared of and I knew that I could have a panic attack and I had not acknowledged the fact I would have it that night I knew that this was always a constant battle for me always trapping myself alone and just crying, being upset and wouldn't figure out why but knowing that I couldn't prevent a panic attack happening to me.
Panic attacks has always been a huge battle for me and something to control if I had one but I couldn't find ways to control it and to prevent one from happening. I've never spoken to my own parents and friends about it I knew that I've always been a very private person always pushing people away and always keeping things in me that make me feel constantly scared of, stressed about and overall its so hard for me to share things without the fear of being misunderstood and not understanding me.
I do believe panic attacks is something every girl and every person can get through and can control and push away I know its such a hard topic to talk about, something that people won't understand sometimes and sometimes you feel so closed up and you don't know why. You sometimes feel like the worlds against you and looking at you and all you could do is cry and feel scared of things.
I do believe panic attacks is a lesson to make yourself stronger, being depressed and having anxiety, panic attacks is something that helps me grow as a person and I'm still continuing to battle it up until today and I know that I will overcome it I know it may not go away completely but something I am learning to control to prevent and to make me a happier and better person.
Because every person deserves every ounce of happiness in the most amazing ways as possible.
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