Facing My Demons
I've never been happy with myself. The way I look, my personality. I just couldn't see any good qualities in myself, but they were right there. I just struggled with having to find them.
Growing up I had a really rough childhood. My dad was an alcoholic, and abused various drugs. He ended up leaving me when I was 5 years old. My dad leaving, has probably been the biggest impact on my life thus far. Knowing the fact that my dad doesn't even want me has made me feel worthless throughout the years.
As I got older, I dealt with being bullied in middle school, and I didn't know what it was like to have friends. I was diagnosed with manic depression and anxiety disorder. It's been an off and on battle and some days are worse than others. I have days where I just lack motivation to do anything, and I have to push myself to get up. I would use self harm as a coping mechanism, but in reality I was just hurting myself. I thought I deserved it.. Self harm made me hate my body even more because of the scars it would leave, but I would still end up doing it.
When things started to get so bad that I ended up in the hospital for overdosing, I started receiving treatment and learned that's it's okay not to be okay, you just need to handle it in a good way. I learned how to love myself, I learned that I am worthy, just like every other girl in the world. Everyone has a purpose, it just might be harder for some to realize that, but after you do it's crazy how much happier you can be. Today I still struggle sometimes, i've relapsed with self harm, but now I know how to handle it better and I couldn't be more proud of myself. The supportive people in my life has helped me more than anything.
There's still some bad days, but I just remember that the good days over power the bad ones and that I matter. Everyone does. Most importantly I have learned that my mental illnesses doesn't define me, it is just a small part of what makes me, me.