"Who would ever want to love a girl with scars?" Those were the words a cop said to me when I was only 14 years old. Having anxiety, and depression is already a battle I've had to fight for years, then add a few heartbreaks to it and love starts to seem like a lie. I'm not gonna get into my mental illness but I do wanna talk about some heartbreaks.
My sophomore year of high school I started dating a boy two years older then me. He was my first and I was so in love with him. We had the normal fights any high school couples had but the thing was he had a bad lying problem. After awhile trust was not there in the relationship at all. The fights just seemed to get worse and become more consistent and not saying I was a picture perfect girl friend but being lied to for over a year in a relationship starts to take a toll on you. The funny thing is we didn't end because our fights, we ended because he was leaving for the military. Even with all our problems our break up felt like my heart had fallen out of my chest.
The following year I started to get feeling for one of my friends. It seemed like he had them too because we saw each other everyday and cuddled and kissed, but never in front of people. I was a secret to him. Then one day everything just blew up between me not communicating well and him keeping me a secret to the point where we just stopped talking completely. After that I gave up on feelings. I did not want to deal with them because I always seemed to get hurt. Senior year around Christmas I started to go back and forth with this guy but we never seemed to be on the same page. When I started to fall for him he did not want anything and when he wanted something I backed away. After awhile he decided we needed to talk and I was not gonna do feelings and get hurt again so I shut him out but it was to late the feelings were already there. He constantly pushed me to open up and on my birthday was the first time we both admitted to have feelings but then he dropped that he was moving in a week. After he moved he talked me into driving two hours to see him. He didn't see me all day and asked me to spend the night so I did. We ended up sleeping together and after that it seemed like he didn't want anything from me anymore. To this day I don't know if I was being used or if it was just my anxiety.
My point for telling all of this is between being lied to, being a secret and being used I wanted to give up on finding love. I started to believe the cop, who would wanna love a girl with scars. Then it got in my head more always thinking that there was just something wrong with me. Lately I've been seeing things differently. You have to go through pain to find how love is not supposed to be. Love takes time and it won't happen over night. If you've been hurt you're not alone. Love will find you when God knows you're ready. You just have to be patient.
Twitter : ATomkoski
Instagram : alizaxtomkoski