I Am Afraid

I Am Afraid

Day one.

Yelling, my ears hurt I can't understand what he's saying. 

This lasts until he says he's done. 

On a good day fifteen to twenty minutes,

On a bad day an hour to two hours.

Two hours of not being able to hear because he yelled so loud I can't hear anything,

Two hours of non stop crying saying I was sorry for no reason. 

Reasons I got yelled at: Leaving my house, other guys texting me, hanging out with the girls, saying hey to someone I run into at a restaurant, event, etc.

Wake up.

It's a new day, maybe everything will go well.

it doesn't, its a repeat of the day before. 

Day 3. 

Today will be different 

its not. 

The cycle repeats itself till one day its not yelling. 

I can feel my legs going numb from how tight he is squeezing them

as he quietly belittles me and puts me down in public, making it look like he is being affectionate and loving from an outside view.

I have lost count of days because of how bad things have gotten. 

I have bruises on my legs, black and blue perfect handprints. 

I cry for hours refusing to leave the house. 

I continue to see him.

Squeezing my legs goes to squeezing my arms and choking me out. 

I am scared, I am in danger. 

I fear he is a psychopath. 

I think he actually enjoys my pain. 

I try to overdose to get myself out of the situation. 

I fail. 

choking goes to grabbing my hair and slamming my head into a wall when he's angry,

i get a concussion and told my mom I fell. 

He leaves. 

He's gone.

That is it. 

It wasn't the physical pain that made sunny days, pitch black and alone, 

it was the thoughts in my head telling me I somehow deserved it. 

It was him telling me I deserved it and getting in my head and being able to convince me that was so. 

The thing that sucks about abuse is emotional pain hits harder than he ever could. 

Alone I am, afraid to love anyone.

Nobody is who they say they are.

I'm afraid of the world.

Cover Image From Google

The First Page Of My Book I Will Never Write

The First Page Of My Book I Will Never Write

When You Find Your Person

When You Find Your Person