Rest In Peace Dad

Maybe Kylie Jenner wasn't wrong when she said 2016 would be a year about "realizing things", and yes I'm trying to start this off light heartedly because I hate being too serious, especially about my own life, but that's what my submission is about... my life. Although that opening sentence was a joke, I've realized a lot throughout these last couple of months. Not that everything was necessarily going great before then, I've had a rough couple of years but I really thought this year could be different. Instead I've learned that my life could continue to turn upside down over and over again. Before I continue I'm going to try and paint a picture of my life the best that I can. I grew up with my family together until I was about 14 when my mom finally left my alcoholic father. My dad and I were always really close but he got to a point where he started going downhill very quickly as many alcoholics do. He just wasn't the same dad my brothers and I grew up with. Addiction changes people.

There was a lot of time I didn't even see or talk to him anymore because in blamed him for destroying my family and life. Anyway, my mom got a new boyfriend and she started a business with him so my family had to up and move to Georgia (I was about 16 at this point). I honestly liked the idea because I wanted some change in my life. Things were good for a while but eventually my anxiety surfaced and I became very self destructive. Drug habits were a huge problem for me for a while, I didn't even go to school without being completely fucked up and then I'd go home and immediately pass out until the next day and do it all again. Eventually I came to the realization that's not the kind of person that I wanted to be and I stopped it for the most part. What didn't stop was all the arguing between me and my mom and eventually her boyfriend trying to parent me and it all became too much. About halfway through my senior year I couldn't handle the constant fighting and it got so bad that at 2:30 in the morning my best friend got in her car and drove 7 hours to come pick me up and bring me back to North Carolina to stay with her. Her and her family have been such a blessing to me, I don't know where I'd be right now without them.

I've been here with them for about 6 months now and I really thought my life was starting to turn around and things were going to continue to get better for me. 2 days ago I was home alone and woke up to knocking and opened the door to find 2 police men standing there. I was honestly so confused and then they told me it was about my dad. They asked if they could come in and if there was anywhere we could sit down. My heart was already sinking so deep because I knew anything they had to say was going to be bad, and they proceeded to tell me that my father passed away. I broke down and didn't know what to do, I've been in so much pain since then. I held a grudge against my dad and ignored him for so long and actually had just talked to him for the first time in years about a month ago. I don't know if God really exists or not but I feel like my urge to reach out to my dad was a sign. It's helped me get some closure because I know that when he passed away he knew that I love and forgive him. I'm still trying to comprehend the fact he will never get the chance to be in my life again.

My point of sharing all of this is to encourage people not to give up when life seems hard because somehow even I'm still functioning after all of this. Also it is so important to forgive people and give them chances to do better because they might not always be around. I forgave my dad but the guilt for all the time I was so angry with him still eats me alive. I'm just going to focus on moving forward and making him proud, and I hope this little glimpse into my life helps at least someone in some way.